Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Greenpeace is a little bitch

I attempted to do my physics on whether nuclear power is a good way to reduce CO2 emissions. But something strange happened and it turned into a rant about Greenpeace.

I hate Greenpeace.

I've already mentioned how much I hate people who wear vegetarian shoes and buy organic and turn off the lights all the time. But I had only assumed that I disliked them. Then I found myself on the Greenpeace website and realised that I do actually hate environmentalists, loads.
Things started to go wrong when I was met by a little pop-up shouting quietly about some fisherman killing sharks and dolphins and other pretty marine creatures. They were asking me for my personal details. So after the massive effort it took to close the pop-up, I went on the page about nuclear power.
Obviously, they'd written a cute little essay on the evils of nuclear power and how it will 'result in a Chernobyl-scale accident once every decade.' Already I am hugely pissed off at their general ignorance.
Then I noticed that they had a quote from Patrick Moore in 1976, on how nuclear power is 'criminal' and 'dangerous'. On further research, I realised that Patrick Moore used to speak out against nuclear power, but now he is a supporter. But obviously Greenpeace won't remove the now-redundant quote from the page because they don't really care about nuclear power, they just want to campaign and complain about something.
I tentatively clicked on the 'Donate' page and was fairly irritated at the fact that the lowest suggested amount was $40. Then came the worst thing imaginable. The back button wouldn't work. I was trapped, with no choice but to donate. So I donated $40.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Prom

Prom's coming up. So I have my acrylics tomorrow, my dress alterations on Wednesday just before my full body wax, my eyelash extensions the day after, my spray tan in the evening and my teeth whitening appointment in the morning. Then I have my hair and makeup appointment followed by my pedicure.
Then I will sit in a tacky desperate hotel suite for 3 hours eating a chicken meal with tomato salsa followed by the height of class: profiteroles. I will look at the balloons. I will buy a soft drink at the bar. I will dance alone on the embarrassing dancefloor while the middle aged depressed DJ plays S-Club 7 and 8.
I'm going to make a Microsoft Word document of my favourite celebrity hairstyles, cropped and resized and annotated with Comic Sans. I will make a header and footer - 'My Prom Hairstyles' and 'By Fay Davies 23/03/11'. I will laminate it and take to the hairdresser's so she does my hair properly and makes me look like Megan Fox.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Happy owner of a sandwich toaster

A Spanish town has decided to reintroduce the peseta to boost the economy. This is from a BBC news article:

'One man visited the local hardware store this week with a 10,000-peseta note he had found at home, and had no idea what to do with.

He is now the happy owner of a sandwich toaster.'

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Cr*p

Today I was surprised and humbled to find out that I can be held in citizen's arrest if I say 'Blimey' on the street. It is a shortened version of 'Blind me God' or something similar. Thus blasphemy.
So the next time I hear anyone say 'Crikey' (Christ), 'Oh my goodness' (nearly using the Lord's name in vain), 'Darn' (Damnation), 'Heck' (Hell), 'Cripes' (again, Christ), or 'Fuck', I will rugby tackle them and forcibly pin them down to the ground, while I wait for the police to arrive. When they do, I don't doubt that they will be eternally grateful to me. Doing my duty, keeping dangerous criminals off the streets.
Oh it turns out the blasphemy laws were abolished in 2008. So I won't be able to carry out my holy calling and protect our streets from mindless, savage criminals.