My new school blouses arrived today. As this is a highly exciting occasion, I gave them the opening ceremony they deserved - invited the whole extended family round, got some caterers, some good music, candles. Then I opened the pretty white parcel and extracted the blouses. They were folded like origami round a cardboard frame, so with shaking hands I peeled them off and prepared to unravel the blouses into their true vomity pink glory.
Unfortunately it turned out that they were hugely massive. All my relatives went home; some shouting abuse, some resorting to actual violence, some just contemplating suicide. And I sat and pondered these blouses. Why were they wider than they were long? In what way were they supposed to fit any normal human figure? Then I realised I was simply a victim of size inflation. Size inflation, for those that don't know, is the enlarging of clothes while their size labels remain the same. So a chest size 34 might have fitted someone of my size five years ago, but it won't anymore. In other words, the clothing companies are being too nice to fat people. The makers of my blouse feared that they would have complaining fat people phoning up when they couldn't button the blouse around their huge neck. So to avoid this problem, they simple doubled the amount of material used, producing a tent-like structure that, sadly, seems to fit most of the fat people in this country.
I feel that by inflicting such brutal insults on fat people is kind and generous. If it motivates them into losing weight then I have done a fellow human's duty of protecting your peers. Being fat - and I mean clinically fat, not just chubby - is dangerous and unhealthy and it pains me when vast women boast 'curves' when actually they are just pushing it.
Something strange and terrifying has happened to me. For the first time in years, I seem to have experienced sympathy for an animal. The owners of a dog drove it out into the countryside, took it outside the car, then quickly sped off and left it there. It tried to catch up but it couldn't, because it had a limp. I practically sobbed and bought a dog in a random act of animal love.