Sunday, 30 May 2010


We don't need geography lessons any more! They're being replaced with a single, once a year lesson that lasts about 3 hours. It's called Eurovision. First, you have to watch a combination of: European power ballads with pointless dancers and mega passionate key changes, some attempts at directional original music, Greek males prancing around in tight white costumes, the odd failed money note, and what ever shit the UK manages to throw together (this time in particular it was a 19 year old singing 'That sounds good to me,' something I can only describe as a naive young child agreeing to get in the car with a paedophile).
So after that lovely introduction to European culture, we have the voting. 12 points = neighbouring country, 1 point = UK, and this rule is so accurate that you can have endless fun compiling a map of Europe afterwards. Portugal will vote for Spain, Turkey will vote for Greece, Greece will vote for Cyprus, and the eastern countries all vote for eachother. The only fault with this lesson is that they sometimes throw in a country or two that doesn''t exist. 'Azerbaijan' and 'Belarus' were this year's examples, so make sure you don't get caught out.
The highlight this year was doubtlessly the man who pranced like a ballerina onto Spain's mediocre performance, raising its entertainment level by about 700%. Romania's fucking amazing invention of two pianos joined with some perspex came a close second, purely for its sheer amazement factor.

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