Friday, 26 August 2011

Retarded Dog

Retarded Dog is a retarded dog yapping. I'm shocked and disgusted at the fact I watched it 6 times in a row, and now as I type I have it playing in the background. 
I find animals pointless and unnecessary, but if I were to kill all animals I would keep Retarded Dog alive so that it could perform to me privately. Along with this baby that farted at the same time it sneezed.
Watch it all then go back and replay 0:20 at least 14 times.

Sunday, 21 August 2011


I happened to be in the room while Celebrity Big Brother was on last night, and I may have accidentally absorbed some of its content. Now I feel bad about what I said about Amy Childs, because she seemed genuinely nice, and there was evidence that her vocabulary had expanded somewhat. I'm going to vote for her to win if she ever gets in the final, as an apology. And she's the only non-blonde female in there.
The gypsy wedding man, although not a celebrity whatsoever, provides huge amounts of entertainment - purely because I can't understand a word he's saying. Normally when I say I can't understand regional accents, it's because I'm being an arrogant middle class person. But this time I genuinely didn't even realise he was talking. I thought he was barking. I like to watch him blunder around, probably still trying to work out why he's there and how he got there. I didn't enjoy Sally Bercow's patronising conversation with him, in which she was being all respectful and Labour Party. It made me want to punch her, place her in a gypsy occupied area, and watch her try to navigate around all the broken glass as the gypsy children steal her shoes and money. I'm not saying all gypsies are like this, but I haven't seen or heard of any that aren't.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Just subscribed to my own blog

I'm going to receive an email whenever I update it.

Amy Childs!?!??!?!??!?!?!!?!?!

I'm in Brighton again so I'm giving it another chance. Maybe this time it can make me indie. I haven't gone out yet though: I arrived last night, and all I've done so far is watch The Inbetweeners top 10 moments. I've realised that The Inbetweeners is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
The top 10 moments program was good, but ruined by the appearance of terrible celebrities voicing their uninteresting opinions on characters and scenes. Two girls from The Saturdays occasionally chipped in and tried to be funny, but they failed because they are women. Some ridiculous chavs from Geordie Shore said some things but the accents prevented me from understanding, which was probably best. Their fatness and orangeness succeeded in offending me though.
They also had Amy Childs on there. Before, I'd only ever seen her in photographs in magazines or online. She seemed like a standard reality show failure of a human, fitting in brilliantly with the general ambience of The Only Way is Essex. I've never had the misfortune to actually see the show, except when I went to visit my gran at a nursing home and it seemed to be permanently on TV (the old people didn't mind or realise because they were slumped and hardly alive). So I hadn't quite realised the extent of human stupidity.
After watching her on this Inbetweeners thing, I look at the world with new, less hopeful eyes. The general format of her comments was this: describe the scene, say what she would be like if it happened to her, make some vacuous exclamations, repeat herself a few times, and finish with more exclamations. To her credit, she managed all this with a vocabulary of about 4 words, one of which was 'like'. Everything she said was the opposite of funny, but I couldn't even laugh at this fact because like the Geordie girls, she too was orange. I'm not even sure if she knew The Inbetweeners wasn't real. I don't think she knew what it was or why she was there. And one of the hairs of her fringe had come loose, infuriatingly.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Oh no

Every CCTV screenshot has about 7 logos in it. This rioting is such a bad advert for Adidas.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011


I've decided to become fat because I've discovered the world's best food apart from the Pizza Hut cookie dough dessert.

They are like brownies but less chocolatey and more godlike. I had 5 in one go.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

I used my camera

Did not know that I had a double chin.